"I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything... but a monster. It's hopeless."
It's no wonder I relate to the Beast so well. She definitely is beautiful, and the thoughts of her consume precious seconds. But why? I hardly know her, and it seems doubtful that I'll ever know more than that. So why must she fill my mind every second? This can't be love, can it? That sounded gay just writing that. What the hell is wrong with me? Then again, I haven't felt this way since high school, the butterflies, the shakes, the general nervousness. It's been four years. I'd forgotten the feeling.
Is it fear that paralyzes me?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Requiem
"Why does the eye see things more clearly in dreams than in imagination when awake?" - Leonardo Da Vinci
"These waxing hours of the night/morning are when my thoughts become most active. I cannot remain taciturn in my thoughts in this time, more so than the usual banter I spout during the day. With these blogs, I've decided to take a hiatus from posting poetry, and post more about what I may be thinking when I write these.
With this inaugural article, I have chosen the topic of sleep and the mysteries that are our dreams. Why is it that our dreams can please and torment us so? And why is it, as Da Vinci stated, can we see more clearly in dreams than that in our imaginations? That, my friends, is a question I cannot answer. Let's take me, for example. Recently, I've had a bout of dreams that can only be classified as "dream-mares." These dreams have involved a person from my past, who played a very important and very special role in my past, and these dreams involve scenarios where, seemingly, nothing has changed from the past until present. However, in real time, things have very much changed, and as much as these dreams gave me warm feelings within my soul, the moment I would awaken from my slumber would prove to be heart-breaking.
I pose this question - why do our dreams and minds turn on us? We seemingly know that we desire something or desire to repel something when we are conscious, but as soon as we float away, towards that tantalizing goal of the REM, those inhibitions melt away and that which we do not desire pounces upon us. It is truly a mystery how the human mind works, and an even bigger mystery how the human heart can sway the mind so easily.
Could our dreams be a portal to some alternate universe or dimension? Could dreams be the cause of deja vu? Fortunately, we do not live in the Matrix, where deja vu equals a glitch - or does it? These are theories i have been mulling since junior year psychology. The famous philosopher Rene Descartes once said, "Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum," which translates to "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am." To expand on that, does our ability to dream prove our ability to think, proving our existence? Does this provide the link to duality between mind and matter? God only knows.
This pondering may be result of me not reaching the REM stage for several days, but I know that I am cognizant as I compose this. Next time you catch yourself daydreaming, compare your daydream to the dreams of the night and find which has more clarity. Hopefully, prayerfully, your dreams will not turn on you as they have me, because if you're like me, and you love your sleep, it will be a beast to lose it."
I wrote this blog over three years ago, and while the subjects of said "dream-mares" have come and gone, the issue remains the same. Having viewed "Inception" several times has also caused me to re-evaluate my dream state. It's amazing that in three years' time, so much has changed in reality, but in the dream world, it's been a pretty solid continuity.
-Jude
"These waxing hours of the night/morning are when my thoughts become most active. I cannot remain taciturn in my thoughts in this time, more so than the usual banter I spout during the day. With these blogs, I've decided to take a hiatus from posting poetry, and post more about what I may be thinking when I write these.
With this inaugural article, I have chosen the topic of sleep and the mysteries that are our dreams. Why is it that our dreams can please and torment us so? And why is it, as Da Vinci stated, can we see more clearly in dreams than that in our imaginations? That, my friends, is a question I cannot answer. Let's take me, for example. Recently, I've had a bout of dreams that can only be classified as "dream-mares." These dreams have involved a person from my past, who played a very important and very special role in my past, and these dreams involve scenarios where, seemingly, nothing has changed from the past until present. However, in real time, things have very much changed, and as much as these dreams gave me warm feelings within my soul, the moment I would awaken from my slumber would prove to be heart-breaking.
I pose this question - why do our dreams and minds turn on us? We seemingly know that we desire something or desire to repel something when we are conscious, but as soon as we float away, towards that tantalizing goal of the REM, those inhibitions melt away and that which we do not desire pounces upon us. It is truly a mystery how the human mind works, and an even bigger mystery how the human heart can sway the mind so easily.
Could our dreams be a portal to some alternate universe or dimension? Could dreams be the cause of deja vu? Fortunately, we do not live in the Matrix, where deja vu equals a glitch - or does it? These are theories i have been mulling since junior year psychology. The famous philosopher Rene Descartes once said, "Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum," which translates to "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am." To expand on that, does our ability to dream prove our ability to think, proving our existence? Does this provide the link to duality between mind and matter? God only knows.
This pondering may be result of me not reaching the REM stage for several days, but I know that I am cognizant as I compose this. Next time you catch yourself daydreaming, compare your daydream to the dreams of the night and find which has more clarity. Hopefully, prayerfully, your dreams will not turn on you as they have me, because if you're like me, and you love your sleep, it will be a beast to lose it."
I wrote this blog over three years ago, and while the subjects of said "dream-mares" have come and gone, the issue remains the same. Having viewed "Inception" several times has also caused me to re-evaluate my dream state. It's amazing that in three years' time, so much has changed in reality, but in the dream world, it's been a pretty solid continuity.
-Jude
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Awake and Alive
"I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you"
Skillet, Awake and Alive, Awake
I write this missive as a statement, a pledge to myself and to my God.
I will not be brought down by negativity, disagreement over spirituality, religion, race, creed, gender or anything else that could be viewed as divisive. I will not be sucked into political discussion, for it is an argument that can never truly be won. I will not be told what to believe. I will not force what I believe is right down anyone's throat.
No longer will the darkness of the world affect me, nor will I allow anyone, and I mean anyone, to force said darkness upon me. No longer will I perpetuate the darkness through my words, actions, and thoughts.
For those of you who are too busy wrapped up in these types of degradation, I have only one thing to say- "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" - Matthew 7:3
If Jesus was here today, and He aligned himself with the Democratic Party, would you Republicans say that His ways were wrong? What if He aligned Himself with the GOP? Would you Democrats call him stupid and uneducated? Let us not forget that Jesus was the King of Kings, and the royal color is purple - red and blue mixed.
If Jesus, the One who sacrificed Himself for us, could love everyone unconditionally, and we as the Body of Christ cannot emulate that love, then His death can be viewed as a death in vain. Care to prove me wrong? Stop living in the darkness. Stop all the hate. Stop all the fighting. Don't live as Christians, live as Disciples of Christ.
I'm at war with the world, and they try to pull me into the dark. However, I'm awake, I'm alive, I know what I believe inside. Now, it's my time, I'll do what I want, because this is my life. Here, and right now, I'll stand my ground, and never back down, I know what I believe inside, I'm awake and I'm alive.
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
Here, right now
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you"
Skillet, Awake and Alive, Awake
I write this missive as a statement, a pledge to myself and to my God.
I will not be brought down by negativity, disagreement over spirituality, religion, race, creed, gender or anything else that could be viewed as divisive. I will not be sucked into political discussion, for it is an argument that can never truly be won. I will not be told what to believe. I will not force what I believe is right down anyone's throat.
No longer will the darkness of the world affect me, nor will I allow anyone, and I mean anyone, to force said darkness upon me. No longer will I perpetuate the darkness through my words, actions, and thoughts.
For those of you who are too busy wrapped up in these types of degradation, I have only one thing to say- "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" - Matthew 7:3
If Jesus was here today, and He aligned himself with the Democratic Party, would you Republicans say that His ways were wrong? What if He aligned Himself with the GOP? Would you Democrats call him stupid and uneducated? Let us not forget that Jesus was the King of Kings, and the royal color is purple - red and blue mixed.
If Jesus, the One who sacrificed Himself for us, could love everyone unconditionally, and we as the Body of Christ cannot emulate that love, then His death can be viewed as a death in vain. Care to prove me wrong? Stop living in the darkness. Stop all the hate. Stop all the fighting. Don't live as Christians, live as Disciples of Christ.
I'm at war with the world, and they try to pull me into the dark. However, I'm awake, I'm alive, I know what I believe inside. Now, it's my time, I'll do what I want, because this is my life. Here, and right now, I'll stand my ground, and never back down, I know what I believe inside, I'm awake and I'm alive.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Save Me
"And he tells everyone a story, 'cause he thinks his life is boring, and he fights so you won't ignore him, 'cause that's his biggest fear, and he cries, but you rarely see him do it, and he loves but he's scared to use it, so he hides behind the music, 'cause he likes it that way, and he knows he's so much more than worthless, he needs to find the surface, 'cause he's starting to get nervous..."
I was once told by a very dear friend that this verse from Thousand Foot Krutch's "This Is A Call" fit me to a tee. She was absolutely right. I hate who I am, what my life has become, and quite honestly, I hate being ignored. It makes me feel like I'm absolutely worthless, not worth anyone's time. I do cry, I'll admit it, but no one will ever see me do it, save for those in my home. I hide behind the music, because it's truly the only place I ever feel worth something anymore. I feel like these artists are writing a way for me to mask the pain I feel. I need to find a way out, because I truly am starting to feel nervous.
This friend of mine just happens to be my best friend, the girl I am head over heels in love with. I'm stricken with conflict as to what I should do about the situation. Do I confess how I truly feel and hope she feels the same way? Do I keep it all inside, not wanting to destroy the friendship we've come to forge? Later in the song, Trevor sings this bridge...
"Have you ever felt this way before? I don't want to hide here anymore, take me to a place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door, and they say someone sees us, well, if you're real, then save me, Jesus, 'cause I've been this way for far too long, I wasn't meant to feel alone..."
Save me, indeed, Jesus. I need guidance, a clear path, for this situation and for my life's plan. Save me.
jude
I was once told by a very dear friend that this verse from Thousand Foot Krutch's "This Is A Call" fit me to a tee. She was absolutely right. I hate who I am, what my life has become, and quite honestly, I hate being ignored. It makes me feel like I'm absolutely worthless, not worth anyone's time. I do cry, I'll admit it, but no one will ever see me do it, save for those in my home. I hide behind the music, because it's truly the only place I ever feel worth something anymore. I feel like these artists are writing a way for me to mask the pain I feel. I need to find a way out, because I truly am starting to feel nervous.
This friend of mine just happens to be my best friend, the girl I am head over heels in love with. I'm stricken with conflict as to what I should do about the situation. Do I confess how I truly feel and hope she feels the same way? Do I keep it all inside, not wanting to destroy the friendship we've come to forge? Later in the song, Trevor sings this bridge...
"Have you ever felt this way before? I don't want to hide here anymore, take me to a place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door, and they say someone sees us, well, if you're real, then save me, Jesus, 'cause I've been this way for far too long, I wasn't meant to feel alone..."
Save me, indeed, Jesus. I need guidance, a clear path, for this situation and for my life's plan. Save me.
jude
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Portrait
Your charisma entices me, filling my lungs
Like the taste of sweet honey on my tongue
A scene so sad, knowing I that I have sinned
Cocked the hammer back, and pulled the trigger again
And as the bullet meets backbone
I'll find myself truly alone
With only myself to blame
I gaze upon the portrait of a life, that I've lived
So much I've wanted and craved, what have I to give?
A portrait of a life, missing a point of view
An incomplete canvas, the subject missing is you
Your aura enraptures me, warming my heart
Beating while knowing insecurity waits to tear it apart
A frame still cracked, the glass has shattered again
Smiles give way and submit to the failure within
And as the casing hits the ground
I know you won't be around
I have only myself to blame
I gaze upon the portrait of a life, that I've lived
So much I've wanted and craved, what have I to give?
A portrait of a life, missing a point of view
An incomplete canvas, the subject missing is you
All of my dreams, never saw fruition
I've written my fate, my own perdition
I shot myself in the back once too many
Never saw what I had right in front of me
It was you
"pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change."
jude
Like the taste of sweet honey on my tongue
A scene so sad, knowing I that I have sinned
Cocked the hammer back, and pulled the trigger again
And as the bullet meets backbone
I'll find myself truly alone
With only myself to blame
I gaze upon the portrait of a life, that I've lived
So much I've wanted and craved, what have I to give?
A portrait of a life, missing a point of view
An incomplete canvas, the subject missing is you
Your aura enraptures me, warming my heart
Beating while knowing insecurity waits to tear it apart
A frame still cracked, the glass has shattered again
Smiles give way and submit to the failure within
And as the casing hits the ground
I know you won't be around
I have only myself to blame
I gaze upon the portrait of a life, that I've lived
So much I've wanted and craved, what have I to give?
A portrait of a life, missing a point of view
An incomplete canvas, the subject missing is you
All of my dreams, never saw fruition
I've written my fate, my own perdition
I shot myself in the back once too many
Never saw what I had right in front of me
It was you
"pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change."
jude
Monday, November 10, 2008
Chasing Shadows At Midnight
Disclaimer: A collection of different musicians and bands will be cited amidst my work here.
They say the pursuit begins when this portrayal of life ends. If the portrayal of life mentioned refers to the lives we all lead daily, then the pursuit seems too far gone of a conclusion. The days pass, the nights are long, yet I still haven't found what I am looking for. With the silver medal draped around my neck, I long for that gold medal, so far beyond my grasp. The pencil lay stationary, having given way to the keyboard that lays before me. Maybe I'm just not seeing the writing on the walls.
The words flow much more freely when you've been wronged that when you're done right. The knife, still lodged in my back, reminds me that I'm human. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, right? Why is it that I have to beg, when all that is left is a memory forsaken? I'm left in pieces by the mere thought of it. The memory forsaken is truly fractured, in that the lines between the good times and bad have now been marred by trivial acts of deception.
It's a painful pursuit, wanting to be words on the pages of a diary of the one you long for. It's only when the numb sets in that you realize it shall never be, that the lies are all that remain of a once solid relationship. The numb takes us through the night, when we chase the ever-elusive shadows at the strike of 12. Despite our most valiant efforts, the shadows can not be obtained, for they are merely silhouettes of our deepest desires. The pursuit begins when this portrayal of life ends. As a result, the broken hearts are left with scars, because of the lies, and all this time it's felt like chasing shadows at midnight.
Musicians referenced: Evans Blue, U2, David Cook, Underoath, P.O.D., Skillet, Red, Breaking Benjamin, Linkin Park, Pillar
"pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change."
jude
They say the pursuit begins when this portrayal of life ends. If the portrayal of life mentioned refers to the lives we all lead daily, then the pursuit seems too far gone of a conclusion. The days pass, the nights are long, yet I still haven't found what I am looking for. With the silver medal draped around my neck, I long for that gold medal, so far beyond my grasp. The pencil lay stationary, having given way to the keyboard that lays before me. Maybe I'm just not seeing the writing on the walls.
The words flow much more freely when you've been wronged that when you're done right. The knife, still lodged in my back, reminds me that I'm human. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, right? Why is it that I have to beg, when all that is left is a memory forsaken? I'm left in pieces by the mere thought of it. The memory forsaken is truly fractured, in that the lines between the good times and bad have now been marred by trivial acts of deception.
It's a painful pursuit, wanting to be words on the pages of a diary of the one you long for. It's only when the numb sets in that you realize it shall never be, that the lies are all that remain of a once solid relationship. The numb takes us through the night, when we chase the ever-elusive shadows at the strike of 12. Despite our most valiant efforts, the shadows can not be obtained, for they are merely silhouettes of our deepest desires. The pursuit begins when this portrayal of life ends. As a result, the broken hearts are left with scars, because of the lies, and all this time it's felt like chasing shadows at midnight.
Musicians referenced: Evans Blue, U2, David Cook, Underoath, P.O.D., Skillet, Red, Breaking Benjamin, Linkin Park, Pillar
"pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change."
jude
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